Sunday, January 15, 2012
How do you feel??
People keep asking me how I feel. Do they want the happy go lucky answer or the real truth? If you want the real truth read on. First of all I feel lucky. My baby girl is doing well. She is precious and beautiful. I love her so. I also have a tote bag filled with lots of other emotions. I feel robbed. Robbed of Christmas Eve, Robbed of Christmas and New Years. Guilt, what Could I have done to cause my baby to be born so early? Robbed again My pregnancy was unfinished. It feels like my baby was just taken from me and I want her back. I will never get to say. "Honey It's time" to my husband. I will never have those joyous photos that people have when they give birth. I was a lab rat for 5 days before I gave birth. Just plain tired. Tired of rushing, crying, and most of all pumping. I am on an infant schedule with no infant in my home to care for. Tired of separating my family. I go to the hosp, Alex goes with dad and none of us are together. It sucks! Last but not least I am tired of telling people what they want to hear. I feel like a train has hit me! Whew that feels better. That Is how I feel. But I will put my best foot forward and move on! I have no choice my family needs me. That which does not kill you makes you stronger. At the end of it all I am expecting to be superwoman! Screw that I already am Superwoman!
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2 comments:
Amen
I'm so glad you wrote about your experience and true feelings. My experience was of course very different from yours but I too had complications and didn't have the birth I'd imagined. However, in hindsight, I really feel that the experience I had was exactly the one I needed to have. There were some things I had to experience in order to relate to the pregnant women and mamas that I work with. The way I gave birth also made me realize how incredibly strong I am but more importantly how incredibly strong my husband and I love each other. To go through something difficult together, even though during it you may have to be apart, only shows what a strong and loving family you are. That being said, though you gained an amazing baby girl, of course you should still grieve for what you lost. I think it's so important to be allow your feelings in order to then let them go. Love to you chica! christina
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